Being His Big Brother
by TVObssessedGirl28
Summary: If you read my post of Tumblr then you'll know what this is about. Ethan's symptoms start and it's up to Cal to make sure he doesn't go into a spiral of self-harming.
1. Chapter 1

His symptoms had started. There was no way he could stop them. At first, he tried to ignore them. He tried to place stress at work as the cause of his symptoms. But, Ethan eventually knew he couldn't run away from them forever. He was going to have face the fact that this was it. His life was going to end. When he finally accepted that this disease was happening and the progression of th illness was out of his control, it all went down hill from there. Depression began to set in.

It had been only a couple of weeks but, his colleagues and friends noticed a change in his behaviour. More importantly, Cal noticed it too. Ethan was began more irratibie, forgetful and tended to lose his temper more easily. This change worried his friends and Cal but, every time they tried to talk to him about, Ethan would just snap at them. They tried getting him to take breaks, talk to a counsellor yet, it was helping. Ethan would shut down and walk away. Cal was busy in cubicles treating a patient with chest pains when the curtains drew open.

"Yes?" Cal called out without looking away from his patient.

"Excuse me, Cal, but I think you ought to see this." Charlie answered.

"Not right now, Charlie. I'm busy at the moment." Cal told him.

"This can't wait." Charlie urged him.

Sensing the urgency in Charlie's voice, Cal asked another nurse to take over and excused himself from the cubicle.

"This better be important." Cal emphasised.

Following Charlie, Cal noticed they were heading in the direction of the hospital entrance.

"Uh, why are we out here?" Cal asked, confused.

Charlie didn't answer. He didn't need to. The minute the two of them got outside, Cal noticed there was a huge crowd gathered around. The crowd consisted of Max, Robyn, Iain, Jez, Lily and Dylan. Following in the direction they were looking in, Cal tilted his head up towards the sky. That's when he saw what everyone was looking at. In no time, Cal ran towards the building opposite the crowd.

"ETHAN!" Cal shouted when he saw his brother standing close to the ledge.

Iain tried to grab Cal's arm but, he managed to escape. He ran up the stairs that led to the roof. Cautiously, Cal opened the door. He didn't want to make a sound that would startle his brother. Slowly, Cal edged towards Ethan holding out his hand.

"Eth, grab my hand and let's go back inside." Cal pleaded with his brother.

Ethan didn't turn around nor did he answer. Stepping closer, Cal tried to take his brother's hand. Ethan pulled away.

"Why are you up here?" Cal asked, trying to make conversation.

Again Ethan didn't answer. Cal could feel his heart begin to beat faster. He tried to calm his breathing down even though he was scared out of his mind at what Ethan was doing.

"Come on, Eth. Let's go back in. As much as I would love to stay up here and look at this wonderful view, we've got jobs to do." Cal joked trying to make light of how serious the situation was becoming.

Nothing Cal said was making Ethan move away or talk to him. Without going to close to the edge himself, Cal peered down and saw his friends looking up at them, fear and concern written on their faces.

"See our friends down there. They want us to come down too." Cal said. "They want you to come down."

Ethan still wasn't talking. He just stood on the ledge looking straight ahead of him as if his mind was somewhere else. Ethan made a small step closer to the edge and there was an audible gasp from below. Cal was about to make a grab for Ethan's wrist when his brother began to lower himself down on the ledge. Ethan had sat down. Sensing this was a good time, Cal walked close to him and slowly lowered himself down too. Side by side the two brothers sat.

"Talk to me." Cal said. "Please, Ethan."

Still no words came out of Ethan's mouth. It was as if he'd lost all ability to talk.

"You don't want to talk. That's fine as well." Cal said. "We can just sit."

"You shouldn't be here." Ethan finally spoke.

"And what? Miss this incredible view while spending some quality time with my little brother?" Cal chuckled.

"I'm being serious." Ethan said. "You shouldn't be here".

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you to see this."

And before Cal could ask what Ethan was talking about, Ethan pushed himself off the ledge.


	2. Chapter 2

Ethan felt his wrist being pulled as he heard loud gasps from below. Ethan felt himself being pulled back up but, then felt his brother slip. There was a loud scream from below as the sound of a body hit the concrete. Ethan could only watch in horror as he saw his friends gather around his brother's body. Without a moment's hesitation Ethan ran downstairs. He fell upon knees besides Cal's body.

"CAL!" Ethan screamed not caring the blood covering his hands as he cradled his brother's head. "Cal, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Please, just wake up.

Ethan got no response from Cal. Max and Iain tried to pull him away so the others could treat him, but Ethan was reluctant to let his brother go. He kept rocking back and forth holding Cal close to his chest as he could feel his scrubs get soaked with blood. Eventually, Max and Iain managed to pull Ethan away but, he kept on screaming his brother's name.

"Where are you taking him?" Ethan cried as he saw Dylan, Lily and Robyn roll Cal into the department.

"Ethan, mate, " Iain said. "They're just taking him into Resus. He's going to be okay."

"This is all my fault." Ethan choked out as he fell to his knees.

Back inside the team struggled to get a pulse. The machines were flatlining as they hooked Cal up to the wires. They were doing everything they could. Some were pushing blood in while others were ordering for scans to be taken. They knew how much Cal meant to Ethan, they weren't about to lose him. Charlie especially knew how much those two brothers had been through over the past few years. He knew how much it would hurt Ethan if he'd lost his brother. Although the two of them hadn't told Charlie, Charlie knew about Ethan's diagnosis. There was something about the expression in Cal's face every time he saw Ethan that told Charlie that it was Ethan who had inherited the disease that killed their mother. He knew that if Ethan lost Cal, he would have lost the only family he had left and knowing he had a degenerative disease, facing it alone without the support from his brother would be hard. Even though Ethan still would have their support at the hospital, Charlie knew Ethan needed the support from his big brother.

Dylan came over to where Charlie stood. Instantly, Charlie knew the look on Dylan's face.

"Um," Dylan started. "We've managed to get him stable but, he's not out of the woods just yet. I mean you saw how high he fell. Chances of him making a full recovery are very slim at the moment. We'll keep him here overnight in case there are any changes but, if there aren't any he'll be moving up to ICU."

"Thanks, Dylan. I'll go and tell Ethan." Charlie said.

Dylan gave him a small smile before returning back to his patient. Pushing the door open Charlie spotted his friends and colleagues had remained outside of Resus, all worried. Charlie knew what they were wanting to hear. They wanted to know that Cal was going to pull through, that he was going to be okay. Charlie cleared his throat. After all, they deserved to know.

"It's not very good news, I'm afraid." Charlie announced. "Dylan said that for now Cal's stable. However, as we all know a fall from that height can cause very serious injuries and the survival rate is small. Though we mustn't think negatively. Cal's going to pull through. And when he does he's going to need all our support. But, right now we need to be there for Ethan. He's going to need us there. We're all going to need each other."

There were a lot of nods from the team. Charlie gave them all one of his smiles telling them not to give up hope and with that, having wise words from Charlie as always, everyone went back to work. Charlie headed for the staffroom. Entering the room he was hoping to find Ethan sitting there. He wasn't. Having asked Noel if he'd seen Ethan, Charlie soon spotted him in the Peace Garden.


	3. Chapter 3

Ethan heard Charlie approaching but, he didn't turn his head. Instead he kept looking straight ahead of him. Ethan felt Charlie sit beside him. None of them spoke. They sat in silence.

"He's dead, isn't he?" Ethan whispered. "Cal's gone."

"Ethan…." Charlie started to say.

"Spare me the talk. Just tell me the truth. Cal's dead and it's all my fault."

"He's not dead."

Ethan turned his head when he heard Charlie's answer.

"What?"

"We've managed to stabalise him, but he's not out of the woods just yet. Dylan said they're going to keep in Resus overnight in case anything changes. Then he'll be moved to ICU where he'll have a better chance at recovering." Charlie explained.

Ethan could only nod. He then turned away and carried on looking ahead.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this." Ethan said quietly.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Charlie asked.

"Cal shouldn't have been the one who fell of the roof."

"Ethan, don't say that."

"Why not? That was the reason why I went up there in the first place. If only I had done it before Cal came up. It would have been so much better."

"And how do you think Cal would have felt? Do you think it would have been better for him to see his brother jump of a roof?"

"It doesn't really matter what Cal thinks. He's not the one living with this illness."

"I can't imagine what it's like knowing what's happening to your body….."

"No, you don't." Ethan snapped.

"But, what I do know is how devastating effect it has on those who care. I saw what happened with your mother. I saw how hurt Cal was when he found out that either he or you could have inherited the disease. I saw how angry he was with your mother when he found out she didn't tell you. Cal was more scared about you than he was for himself. That how much he cares about you. Cal would do anything just so you wouldn't have to live with this illness."

"And don't you think I would do the same?" Ethan asked.

"I'm not saying you wouldn't. All I'm saying is this does not only affect you. It affects Cal as well. All he wants is to be there for you. He's your brother. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. He saw how hard it was for your mother. That's why he wants to be there for you. He wants to help so you don't have to go through what Emilie went through." Charlie told him.

"What am I to do?" Ethan said.

"All you can do now is let Cal in. He's here to help you."

"But what if I can't let him in?"

"Why?"

"Like you said, he saw what happened with our mother. I can't let him do that for me. He's got a life to live. I don't want to be the person responsible for him not living the life he deserves."

"And what makes you think he doesn't want to do that for you?"

Ethan shrugged. All his life Ethan knew what Cal could be like. He was the type of person to run away when situations got tough. The kind of person to think that the way to fix things was to go out and get drunk. Or so Ethan thought. Over the past few years after all the ups and downs the two of them had faced, Ethan had seen a change in his brother. But, then after what happened at Charlie and Duffy's wedding, Ethan questioned whether or not Cal had changed at all.

"It's funny, " Ethan said out loud. "After everything Cal and I have been through, he still manages to surprise me. But, no matter what he does, however insane I still look at him and go 'yeah, that's my brother'. And you know why?"

Charlie doesn't answer.

"That's because I know him. I know what he's like and I would never want him to change. Even if he does drive me crazy most of the time."

"Cal's still himself." Charlie said.

"Yeah, I know."

"So there's nothing to worried about."

"But, I'm not. And I never will be. Not after this disease takes over. I'll never be the person I was. I'm never going to be the brother I was. And I don't want Cal to see me become someone I don't know." Ethan admitted truthfully.

"You're still going to be his brother. You always will be. Nothing will ever change that and Cal would want it to."

"But, it doesn't matter what Cal wants. It's not like he's going to survive."

"Ethan, don't talk like that. He is going to pull through. When he does he's going to be there for you. We all are."

"Charlie, you know as well as I do that the chance of surviving a fall from that height is almost impossible. And even if he does, who knows what damage has been done. I can't let him have to take care of me when he can't look after himself. And what help will I be when this disease starts to take over my body? I won't be able to help him even if I wanted to. I can't let him do that."

Charlie understood what Ethan was saying but, he couldn't imagine Ethan was going to give up on Cal pulling through this.

"What are you saying?" Charlie wondered.


	4. Chapter 4

If Ethan had to be honest, he didn't know what he was saying. Of course he wanted Cal to pull through this but, there was a voice inside of him telling him to make this situation easier for both of them. And that was by switching off the machine that was keeping his brother alive. Charlie could Ethan's mind trying to work out what to do. He could see him trying to weigh out all the options and knew what Ethan was thinking.

"Ethan, we're not at that stage yet. We can't just give up on him." Charlie spoke as he broke Ethan away from his thoughts.

"You think I don't know that? But, right now that's the best option I have."

"Best option for who?"

Charlie knew where Ethan was going with this. He was being his usual selfless self. Always thinking about others and what other thought before focusing on what he wanted.

"I know you don't mean it." Charlie carried on. "You're not thinking straight."

"Oh I am thinking perfectly." Ethan told him. "What sort of life will he have if he does pull through? I'm only thinking what's best for my brother."

"No, what you're doing is what you think is the best." Charlie stated. "You think that if Cal wasn't here then you wouldn't have to feel guilty of being a burden to him."

"And what's wrong with feeling guilty. Because I do. I do feel guilty knowing what Cal's going to have to put up with when I no longer can take care of myself. That is if he does pull through this." Ethan said.

"What if Cal wants to?"

"It doesn't matter if he wants to know. My point is he shouldn't have to. He shouldn't have to stop living his life because of me."

"He doesn't have to and neither should you."

"How can I, Charlie? I know what's going to happen to me. I know there's not a lot you can do once the symptoms have started. What sort of life is that? Being stuck in a wheelchair depending on people to take care of you. To do everything for you."

"You can still do all the things you want to do. You've go Cal. You've got us. Whatever it is you want to do, we'll do it. You can't give up the fight and let this disease win. Cal's your brother and we're your friends. We'll do whatever we can to help you get through this. Both of you."

In a way Ethan knew Charlie was right. Charlie was always right. But, right now he just didn't know what to do. He only wanted what was best. And in the back of his mind something was telling him that letting Cal go was the only way to do it. Charlie placed a hand on his shoulder before leaving Ethan alone.

"He loves you, you know that. You're his little brother and he'd do anything for you." Charlie told him before walking away.

Ethan watched as Charlie faded into the distance. For a little while longer he sat, trying to work out what to do. Finally, he made up his mind. He knew what he was going to do. It didn't matter what Charlie thought or what anyone else thought, this was the only way to do it.


	5. Chapter 5

Charlie remained by Cal's beside hoping Ethan would be there to see his brother. Ethan however, had not been in. Worried about the state of mine Ethan was in, Charlie left the room and went off to find him. On his way past reception Charlie asked Noel if Ethan had walked by. Noel shook his head and said he hadn't seen him. Robyn had and told Charlie that he had go into the staff toilets. But, that was about 15 minutes ago. Sensing something was wrong Charlie walked over to the toilet door and tried the handle. The door wouldn't budge.

"Ethan, it's Charlie. Could you let me in?" Charlie shouted through the door as he knocked.

No answer. Charlie tried banging again.

"Ethan?"

Charlie tried the handle once more. No, the door was locked from the inside. Removing a coin from his pocket he tried to unlock the door. He heard a click and pushed the door open.

"Ethan! What have you done?" Charlie called out as he rushed over to his side.

Charlie shouted for assistance while he tried to stop the blood that was dripping down from Ethan's wrists. Out of the corner of his eye, Charlie caught a glance of the scalpel. He pocketed it just as Elle and Robyn came in. For a moment the two of them couldn't move. Not when they saw who it was and what had happened. Breaking out from her trance, Elle took action. With the help from Max they managed to put Ethan on a trolley.

"Move!" Elle shouted as they rolled past the faces of shocked colleagues.

"How long has he been like this?" Elle asked.

"I would say about 15 minutes. I don't know." Charlie told her as he wrapped bandages around Ethan's wrists.

"Right, I want 1 unit of blood and I think someone should sit with Cal." Elle said.

"I'll go." Robyn offered.

Elle nodded as Robyn departed.

"Why would he do this?" Elle whispered to Charlie.

Charlie shook his head.

Robyn sat beside Cal, listening to the beeps of the monitors. She wiped away the tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe how the day had turned out. Not only was one of her friends fighting for his life but, now another one was too.

"Cal, I'm not sure if you can here me, but, there's something I need to tell you." Robyn said as she held his hand. "It's about Ethan."

As soon as Robyn said his name, she felt Cal squeeze her hand. It was as if he had responded to her voice when she had mentioned his brother. Robyn looked down at where her hand was and saw movement in Cal's hand. Looking back up she noticed Cal's eyes begin to flicker open. Robyn stood up and pushed the chair back.

"Cal, squeeze my hand if you can hear me." Robyn ordered.

She felt a squeeze. Cal was responding. Slowly but, surely Cal's eyes were soon fully open. With some struggle Cal managed to pull the oxygen mask away from his mouth.

"Where's Ethan?" Cal asked hoarsely. "Where's my brother?"

When Robyn didn't answer immediately, Cal knew something was wrong. Why else would there be a pause before Robyn answered? Cal slowly turned his head so he was facing her.

"Robyn, where's Ethan?" He asked again, this time more firmly.

Robyn glanced towards the floor, not daring to look Cal in the eyes. Cal saw that she was avoiding eye contact with him.

"Robyn?" Cal urged her again. "What's happened?"

Robyn looked up and faced Cal. She swallowed nervously before answering.

"Ethan's been taken to Resus."

"Wait? What?"

"Charlie found him. He um, was bleeding." Robyn replied.

"Bleeding?" Cal asked, worry written over his face. "Where? How?"

"From his wrists."

Cal looked at her confused. He wondered how Ethan would have hurt his wrists. He was about to ask Robyn to tell him how Ethan had injured himself when it suddenly dawned on me how Ethan could have done it. He began to shake his head.

"No, he couldn't have." Cal said.

Turning to face Robyn, Cal looked her in the eyes.

"Robyn, I don't want you to lie to me. I want to know. Did Ethan try to kill himself?"

Of course, Robyn didn't want to lie to him. He was her friend and so was Ethan. However, Cal had been through enough. He had already watched his brother attempt to commit suicide once with drastic consequences. But, finding out that Ethan had tried again and this time managed to hurt himself would be too much. Cal needed no more stress if he was going to recover from his own injuries. Knowing Ethan had cut his wrists would only hinder his recovery process. Then again Robyn could not tell him. After all Cal had asked her and she had the right to tell him the truth. Cal could tell that she was conflicted. Grabbing her hand again, Cal made her look at him. It was then that he saw the tears in her eyes. The machines began to beep faster. Robyn looked towards the machines. Cal's heart rate was increasing and his BP was up. Calmly, Robyn placed the oxygen mask back over his face.

"Cal, try and stay calm for me. Take deep breaths." Robyn soothed. "That's it."

But, Cal didn't want to stay calm. He wanted to be with his brother.


	6. Chapter 6

Robyn tried to stop Cal from pulling all the wires out of his arms, but it was no use. Cal struggled against Robyn's hold. He tried to take off the oxygen mask and the wires connected to him.

"Cal, if you don't calm down then I'm going to have to get Connie." Robyn warned him.

The threat of Connie did nothing for Cal. He continued to fight against Robyn's hold. Realising it was futile Robyn sighed.

"I'm going to get Connie." Robyn told him.

As soon as Robyn left Cal saw this as his opportunity. He ripped the wires of him and oxygen mask, grabbed the saline drip and began to head towards the door. He had just stepped out into the corridor when he heard the sound of those familiar heels clicking on the floor and the voice shout his name.

"Dr. Knight, what do you think you are doing?" Connie's voice was stern, but not unkind.

"I want to see Ethan."

"Cal, you're in no fit state to visit your brother. Now get back into your bed." Connie ordered.

"I'm fine." Cal said. "I just want to be with my brother."

"Are you disobeying orders?" Connie challenged.

"At this moment, yeah I am. I want to see Ethan."

Connie knew she couldn't keep Cal away from Ethan once he'd made up his mind. He was stubborn as always.

"Okay, you can go and see Ethan but, only for 10 minutes. He needs his rest." Connie told him.

"Thank you, Connie." Cal said, gratefully.

Connie just gave a small nod and let Cal head towards Resus where Ethan was being monitored. Approaching the double doors Cal could see in-between the blinds Ethan's figure and around his wrists, white bandages. Pushing the door open he saw Ethan move slightly at the sound of him entering.

"Cal?" Ethan whispered as Cal approached the bed, "How are you feeling?"

"Don't you think I should be the one asking you that?" Cal pointed out. "Honestly, Ethan, when are you going to learn to never pull something like that again?"

"It's better this way." Ethan replied turning away from him as he could feel his eyes water.

"Better for who? You?" Cal questioned.

"Please, Cal. I shouldn't have to explain."

"I'm your brother!" Cal raised his voice. "At least that should be enough for me to deserve an explanation."

"But, this isn't about you or what you deserved. This is my life we're talking about. My life, my choice."

"What on earth has gotten into you? This isn't you, Ethan. And it's certainly not my brother."

"It's not an easy decision, but it's one I have to make."

"Easy?" Cal scoffed. "Of course, it's not easy. But, do you think it's easy for me listening to my little brother about wanting to kill himself?"

"Look, Cal. I know what my life is going to become. You've seen it with mum. I don't want to end like that. I don't want to become a burden on you. And I certainly don't want you to feel as if you have to take care of me." Ethan was adamant.

"Ethan, I'm your brother. You'll never be a burden to me. Like I said at Charlie's wedding, you've got me life."


End file.
